Monday, April 16, 2007

Johnny Rumble: Self Interview of a Sociopath

"So would you like to tell me why you were running?"

"Running is such the wrong word to use there...it was more like 'Taking a leave of absence.' But to answer your question, I needed a vacation from myself, my priorites, and my ever nagging need to stress."

"Without telling anybody? Do you know how many people you had worried?"

"Not counting family? Not that many. Maybe a couple of people."

"You said you were running from stress...would you like elaborate?"

"Stress...yeah, I said stress. I was stressed about life, love, politics, family, friends, or the lack there of, and the general welfare of my health as a whole."

"You said a lack of..."

"Friends? Yeah, that's what I said. I can count on with two fingers the number of people that I communicate with on some sort of usual basis. Kyle and Brittany. That's all. And I hate it. One person knows pretty much everything that goes through my mind at any point in the day, and yet is 1000 miles away, and one I stress that is becoming a repeated cycle of events that becomes boring and montonus."

"So am I to understand that you desire more friends?"

"Mmhmm. That I do. I wish I had as many friends as I did back in High School. A group that understood my problems and issues and loved me for just being there...come to think of it, I didn't really have that in High School either. But I wonder if that wasn't my own fault for being an absolute asshole to most of them."

"You say them...who are they and why were you so, as you say, and asshole?"

"Who? Kelley, Kayle, Emily, Samantha and Dorthy mostly, but there were other...lesser...characters. Why was I so freakin' mean? If I only knew, I'd try to correct it. I belive it stemmed from the fear of having to move again and having that sence of lose, so therefore I held them at an arms reach and became an un-emotional fucktard with a give-a-shit attitude, when really, I wanted to become one with the group. Either way, I don't think it really would have happened anyway. Even after five or six years, I was still too much of an outsider. That "arms distance" thing. Don't get me wrong, there were moments with all of them that became etched into my memory. Kelley when she confronted me in halls to try and figure out what the hell was wrong with me, and who I subsequently blew off. Emily, when kept on trying to get me more involved. Bible studies, her sisters wedding. Sam when she spent the mornings of our Senior year just doing nothing but talking or going to breakfast.........fuck, I guess they really did try to bring me in. If there was a way I could apoligize to each one for my absurd behavior, I would, but a nagging feeling tells me they no longer care.
What I really wonder is if they think about me as much as I think about them and how they are doing in thier lives. Or really if they even remember me."

"What about others?"

"Yeah there were others. My first real relationship, Megan. A moment in time I both I could fix and forget. She was a fine lass, but when I met here and dated her, she was going through huge life troubles, and I wasn't ready at that time to put in the time and effort to make it work. That whole affair is something I'd rather not dredge up, but I do know that I don't want to go through life constantly clinging to the hatred that has built up in me against her. I'd love nothing more than to bury the hatchet against her, but at the same time all those old memories tell me to bury it in her skull.
Then there's Katlynn, Val, and Ashley. I don't even know where to begin with those three. Katlynn...nice girl, don't get me wrong, but she's...she dosen't feel the need to push the envelop of her life in the directions I wished she would, and in retrospect, the relationship that I had with her wouldn't have worked in the end. Same thing with Val, only tack on the fact that she's way to emotional for me to have really started a relationship with. Ashley is/was pretty cool, and I'd say was the wild child of the three."

"You seem to know a lot of women. Were you interested in dating any of them?"

"Of course. All of them really. I know some wouldn't have worked, and some might have, but crushes are a natural thing arn't they? Hell, it's really what got me started in all the female friendships I've ever had."

"You mentioned a Brittany a while ago. What about her?"

"Ahh...Brittany. You know, oddly enough, she's the one that caused me to run in the first place. Don't get me wrong, she's an awesome friend, and something more, but I do wonder why we're doing this. She's leaving in the middle of summer, and I'm leaving in August. So why put all this time and effort into something that both of us know for a fact will just have to end? Hell, I didn't have any friends here, but would it have that big of a deal to tough out not having a social life for another six or eight months? But then I remember that it was my fault that this whole thing went down the path it did. I'm a big romantic. You know, candle light dinners, whispered terms of endearment, sitting under the stars huddled in blankets...and I guess the possibility of having that type of relationship again was too much to pass up. Do I regret it? Not in the least. But that dosen't stop me from wondering 'why?'"

"Guy friends...do you have any?"

"Yeah...a few acctually. Kyle, my best friend, Sean, another really good friend, and to some degree, Spencer from college. I love them all like brothers, and respect all of them highly, even if Spence is a Chelsea fan. But the problem becomes that all of them are 1500 miles away, and I have no real way to communicate with them the way I really need to."

"That being?"

"At the pub with a beer, or just driving around, or just sitting on the couch watching TV. Normal guy stuff. Blowing stuff up optional."

"Is there anything that you really worry about?"

"Yeah acctually, I worry that the only safe place for me is in a padded cell. You know, people tell me a joking matter that I should be taking pills and drugs, but I wonder if behind that joking face, they arn't really serious, and if they are, then why not tell me that I need to seek out professional help? Honestly, I they really feel that I need to be on some sort of prescription then I should hope that they would be comfortable enough to tell me so.
I also worry about wether if I'm really growing up, or if I'm clinging to childhood ideals and not taking anything in my life seriously enough that it's damaging all that I have right now. A Peter Pan Complex I think it's called."

"If you could say anything to them all at once, or even indivudually what would it be?"

"Hell, I don't know...prolay something to the effect of, 'Sorry I was such a dick most of the time I could have been getting to know you as a person better, and given the chance to do it over I'd try harder to be a better friend than I was.'"


Johnny Rumble

1 comment:

  1. thanks for visiting my site and leaving a nice comment.


    i dont know how many times ive said:

    "Sorry I was such a dick most of the time I could have been getting to know you as a person better, and given the chance to do it over I'd try harder to be a better friend than I was."

    but its been quite a few

    L,

    Sean

    ReplyDelete