Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Johnny Rumble:

I'm torn on writing about this particular subject of my past.  It's both moderatly embarssing, but the outcome is probably one the greatest triumphs of my life.  Beyond the adrenaline rushes, beyond for-show boozing, I am addicted to pornography.

I don't say this lightly.  I really don't.  I used to be a once, or even twice, daily user.  I think most of it stemmed from a lack of a personal connection with a lover.  A kind of loneliness that is derived from the darkest regions of the mind, body and soul.

I will freely admit that, even while in a relationship, I still looked at porn, although much less frequently.  But that's what an addiction is.  The need to do something.  I derived my need for love from jerking off in front of a computer screen. 

Every lover I've ever had has had to deal with this once secret side of me, unknowingly.  While the first lover was a real sexual awakening, there can be no blame tossed at her.  This problem was already teed up and the driver was swinging by the time she arrived.  It was the first that fueled some of the antics that have happened with the second, both during the relationship and afterward years laters. 

The third, and one of two to read this, probably suffered the most.  There were weeks I wouldn't talk to her due my shame.  When she left, both literally and figurativly, my addiction sank to it's lowest.  And I was a mess.  I once again became that ackward kid at the back of the class.

The fourth, and current, probably didn't even have a clue until now.

But lately, something has been different.  It's like my addiction to coffee.  I did too much, too quickly, and now the thought of porn is not a pleasant one.  I think I'm finally beating this addicition and can move on with my life.

I used to look at Coop's photography because it had naked chicks in it.  Now, I just go through it and study the form, the style, and colors and the imagery.  I no longer see naked chicks, but I see art and expression and life and a zest for living it.  It's beyond the sex and into something greater, more personal, and more open.  It's the shedding of restraints, the shedding of of the unnessisary.  It excites me on a level beyond my loins.

I think, and I hope it stays this way, that I WAS addicted to porn.

I wonder what Coop would say to this,

Johnny Rumble

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Johnny Rumble:
Latest Where's My Gun

Summer Vacationing,

Johnny Rumble

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Johnny Rumble:
Shit Cleaner

I have to keep reminding myself about how much my job pays me.  I have to keep reminding myself about how much my job pays me just to clean a couple of bathrooms for five hours a day.  I have to keep reminding myself of how much I can do with the money that my job pays me just to clean a couple of bathrooms for five hours a day.  I have to keep reminding myself of how much I can do with the money, such as buy a new digital HD camcorder and accessories, that my job pays me just to clean a couple of bathrooms for five hours a day.

I am a custodian.

I am The Custodian.

And these are my days now,

Johnny Rumble

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Imaginary conversation

Honestly I have no clue what this was, this started when I was walking around the neighborhood listening to music, mainly missing friends and generally having fun at school, not that I don't have fun at home, it's just totally different. So yeah it started when I thinking about how stuff at school went when my mind did whatever and one of my friends got stuck in but it never really went anywhere, it was more one way ramblings then anything else. The entire thing is peppered with lyrical references, mostly again from what we listened to at school, and now on my own. God I need to get out more. Probably sounds more dramatic then it is.


You say that I'm silly,

But I don't put on an act.

It gets outta control but who's perfect?

Growing up do I have to change? What makes me me? Growing up do I have to change?

Walking a fine line don't want change but I want be taken seriously.

Does that mean abandoning my ideals, styles of dress and speech?

You say lolz again, I got no reply no spiffy retort. I look and sigh I don't know what to do I miss the drives in the car, loud music and no worries, blowing off steam,

Now I wonder when did I turn into this emo caricature? Why worry?

I’m doing my thinking now

Walking my neighborhood is a poor excuse for a car I know.

just doesn't feel the same driving myself, keeping track of whats going on

Lolz, I hear the voice, I know I’m silly,

Smiling with my ipod I crank up Spaz lost in my head. There's no anthem here.

Sat in mass this morning thinking about these questions

I’m a bit lost and a bit scared.
Dad says my secondbelt is 80’s chick thing

Exuding a don't talk to me vibe

That what I want?

Fashion accessory whats it matter

Mayhap we are all just poseurs: products of our own minds and insecurities. Growing up do we have to change?

You've got tattoos and piercings ftw

Hardcore Minor threat and don't start you on Ness;

why we are friends I won't know. I don't know why you hang around, now I got more songs running through my brain, soundtrack of my life I’d ask questions if I was watching a movie of my own life.

I wonder what you would think of this exercise? I bet that Social D. t shirt that you’d laugh and maybe say being silly though I hope you take it seriously for what it's worth, whatever that is.

You said once I'm predictable, its true: I get caught up in the little things. no shit , more lolz I want everything in its place, but the world’s full of grey. There's a place in my mind yeah where this comes from; keep it locked down tight one day I hope to look back and laugh. My problems look big to me and why should anyone care? I just walked into a street sign again. Does anyone hear me singing Mommies Little Monster while running into things and falling off stairs. I'm telling them all everyone I meet, its happy days.

I’m happy and content with my music and books, I’d loose my mind without them.

I think its funny, where does it come from this conflict in my head? Why can I not enjoy the summer:

Feeling isolated,
why all this drama,
and tug of war, one of us has to be right
since I can't seem to step out of her shadow,
sister's opinion, remind why I should care?
Ain't never gonna be as good as her
yet I still try, no said it's fair.
Wish it was elementary school, when we were tight.
those morning cartoons,
it all ended to soon.

Is this a phase, will it pass
only time will tell
sitting in silence
the music makes it alright.

ten people online, all these people
People I know-
How can I feel outside it all?
when you feel ignored,
There's no point in causing a row.

I'm laughing at my self. What else can I do?

I know I got it good, I’m thankful for the life I got, and all that has happened to me since that far off day in an Oakland hospital incubator. People say I've come so far, fine but I don't remember all the baby stuff, while its important for context, really I don't know what to frame in now that I'm in school, I'm 'normal' well at times, minus the singing and overly talkative nature. My worries seem big to me though.