Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Johnny Rumble:
Addiction

I'm torn on writing about this particular subject of my past.  It's both moderatly embarssing, but the outcome is probably one the greatest triumphs of my life.  Beyond the adrenaline rushes, beyond for-show boozing, I am addicted to pornography.

I don't say this lightly.  I really don't.  I used to be a once, or even twice, daily user.  I think most of it stemmed from a lack of a personal connection with a lover.  A kind of loneliness that is derived from the darkest regions of the mind, body and soul.

I will freely admit that, even while in a relationship, I still looked at porn, although much less frequently.  But that's what an addiction is.  The need to do something.  I derived my need for love from jerking off in front of a computer screen. 

Every lover I've ever had has had to deal with this once secret side of me, unknowingly.  While the first lover was a real sexual awakening, there can be no blame tossed at her.  This problem was already teed up and the driver was swinging by the time she arrived.  It was the first that fueled some of the antics that have happened with the second, both during the relationship and afterward years laters. 

The third, and one of two to read this, probably suffered the most.  There were weeks I wouldn't talk to her due my shame.  When she left, both literally and figurativly, my addiction sank to it's lowest.  And I was a mess.  I once again became that ackward kid at the back of the class.

The fourth, and current, probably didn't even have a clue until now.

But lately, something has been different.  It's like my addiction to coffee.  I did too much, too quickly, and now the thought of porn is not a pleasant one.  I think I'm finally beating this addicition and can move on with my life.

I used to look at Coop's photography because it had naked chicks in it.  Now, I just go through it and study the form, the style, and colors and the imagery.  I no longer see naked chicks, but I see art and expression and life and a zest for living it.  It's beyond the sex and into something greater, more personal, and more open.  It's the shedding of restraints, the shedding of of the unnessisary.  It excites me on a level beyond my loins.

I think, and I hope it stays this way, that I WAS addicted to porn.

I wonder what Coop would say to this,

Johnny Rumble

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