Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Imaginary conversation

Honestly I have no clue what this was, this started when I was walking around the neighborhood listening to music, mainly missing friends and generally having fun at school, not that I don't have fun at home, it's just totally different. So yeah it started when I thinking about how stuff at school went when my mind did whatever and one of my friends got stuck in but it never really went anywhere, it was more one way ramblings then anything else. The entire thing is peppered with lyrical references, mostly again from what we listened to at school, and now on my own. God I need to get out more. Probably sounds more dramatic then it is.


You say that I'm silly,

But I don't put on an act.

It gets outta control but who's perfect?

Growing up do I have to change? What makes me me? Growing up do I have to change?

Walking a fine line don't want change but I want be taken seriously.

Does that mean abandoning my ideals, styles of dress and speech?

You say lolz again, I got no reply no spiffy retort. I look and sigh I don't know what to do I miss the drives in the car, loud music and no worries, blowing off steam,

Now I wonder when did I turn into this emo caricature? Why worry?

I’m doing my thinking now

Walking my neighborhood is a poor excuse for a car I know.

just doesn't feel the same driving myself, keeping track of whats going on

Lolz, I hear the voice, I know I’m silly,

Smiling with my ipod I crank up Spaz lost in my head. There's no anthem here.

Sat in mass this morning thinking about these questions

I’m a bit lost and a bit scared.
Dad says my secondbelt is 80’s chick thing

Exuding a don't talk to me vibe

That what I want?

Fashion accessory whats it matter

Mayhap we are all just poseurs: products of our own minds and insecurities. Growing up do we have to change?

You've got tattoos and piercings ftw

Hardcore Minor threat and don't start you on Ness;

why we are friends I won't know. I don't know why you hang around, now I got more songs running through my brain, soundtrack of my life I’d ask questions if I was watching a movie of my own life.

I wonder what you would think of this exercise? I bet that Social D. t shirt that you’d laugh and maybe say being silly though I hope you take it seriously for what it's worth, whatever that is.

You said once I'm predictable, its true: I get caught up in the little things. no shit , more lolz I want everything in its place, but the world’s full of grey. There's a place in my mind yeah where this comes from; keep it locked down tight one day I hope to look back and laugh. My problems look big to me and why should anyone care? I just walked into a street sign again. Does anyone hear me singing Mommies Little Monster while running into things and falling off stairs. I'm telling them all everyone I meet, its happy days.

I’m happy and content with my music and books, I’d loose my mind without them.

I think its funny, where does it come from this conflict in my head? Why can I not enjoy the summer:

Feeling isolated,
why all this drama,
and tug of war, one of us has to be right
since I can't seem to step out of her shadow,
sister's opinion, remind why I should care?
Ain't never gonna be as good as her
yet I still try, no said it's fair.
Wish it was elementary school, when we were tight.
those morning cartoons,
it all ended to soon.

Is this a phase, will it pass
only time will tell
sitting in silence
the music makes it alright.

ten people online, all these people
People I know-
How can I feel outside it all?
when you feel ignored,
There's no point in causing a row.

I'm laughing at my self. What else can I do?

I know I got it good, I’m thankful for the life I got, and all that has happened to me since that far off day in an Oakland hospital incubator. People say I've come so far, fine but I don't remember all the baby stuff, while its important for context, really I don't know what to frame in now that I'm in school, I'm 'normal' well at times, minus the singing and overly talkative nature. My worries seem big to me though.


1 comment:

  1. you described confusion well... some people never get past it... i wish that for m'self, too